Setting Boundaries with Roommate: AITA for Confronting Late-Night Dorm Intrusion?

Are you ever in a situation where you have to set boundaries with your roommate? A Reddit user, a college freshman, found themselves in a predicament when their roommate brought a guy into their shared dorm room at 3 am without prior notice.

The disturbance caused a conflict, leading the user to question their actions and seek advice from the Reddit community. The user expressed their discomfort with the late-night visit, lack of communication, and the unfamiliar person's presence in their living space.

Despite trying to address the issue calmly, their roommate dismissed their concerns, sparking a debate on whether the user's reaction was justified. The Reddit thread garnered a variety of responses, with many users supporting the original poster (OP) and labeling them as "NTA" (Not The A**hole).

Suggestions ranged from reporting the incident to the Resident Advisor (RA) to discussing dorm policies and setting clear boundaries with the roommate. Some users shared similar experiences and emphasized the importance of mutual respect and communication in shared living spaces.

The thread highlighted the complexities of roommate dynamics, personal boundaries, and the challenges of navigating conflicts in a college setting.

Original Post

hi! im a freshman in college and on my third day, so far…my roommate didn’t sleep in our dorm room once.

it wasn’t my business, so i didn’t ask, but, today, i woke up to the sound of our dorm room fiddling and my roommate trying to bring a guy into our room when i was asleep and trying to make sure i didn’t wake up???? it was 3 am???

they were pushing stuff around on the floor, being extremely disruptive, and whispering every time i tossed and turned ??? i literally had never seen the guy before.

she didn’t tell me she was bringing him over either. absolutely no communication at all…I said “hey, can you guys not” after multiple minutes of just…contemplating saying something.

she literally IGNORED me, i swear, she said nothing at first and i literally don’t know why, so i grabbed my phone and shined the flashlight at her, and said it again “hey, can you guys not do this at three in the morning?” They both left. i hadn’t seen her all day, but i sent her some emails trying to set a boundary that she couldn’t just…DO that.

i wasn’t comfortable with her bringing a guy over so LATE, for one, and for two without telling me and with the intention of her NOT telling me at all!! but she’s insistent that for one, she didn’t sneak the guy into our room, two, i was embarrassing her by shining a flashlight at her, and that three, i was “doing too much” or making bigger deal out of it than i should’ve, and that all she was trying to do with the guy was let him sleep in her bed was i in the wrong???

i asked a friend and she said she would’ve YELLED at my roommate . my parents seemed pissed that it happened to me.

like i don’t know. i felt bad because i didn’t want to embarrass her i front of her man but i physically didn’t know what to do.

AITA EDIT: another reason she was upset was that she claimed i should’ve just slept through it and then told her i was upset when her guy was gone, but i literally couldn’t sleep because i didn’t know WHO tf the guy was??? what they were doing, why he was there, anything.

i was questioning too many things to just…sleep. but maybe i just don’t have enough empathy??

like idk if what i did was wrong EDIT 2: yall thank u so much for answering this and answering it so fast 🥹 i was sitting on campus all day until my phone was about to run out of battery just dreading having to go to the dorms. i was afraid she’d be there and im terrible at organizing and explaining my thoughts in person.

sending the emails really helped me express myself and like i was TERRIFIED there’d be conflict. There was a little voice in the back of my mind telling me that i should be empathetic because she wasn’t purposely trying to disturb me, and that maybe i was in the wrong for my reactions and the things i said in my email and the things i said and what i did in person, but this genuinely made me feel so much better and confident in myself if something does happen, and ill feel more confident talking to my RA.

thanks to one of the replies it helped me discover that she broke the overnight policy rule 🙂‍↕️, so ill be contacting RA if she does this again.

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