One Guy's Family Poop Knife Story Mystifies Some, Relates To Others.

This story only gets weirder.

Elana

• Published in Funny
• November 16, 2018

Every family has their quirks, things that make you unique as a unit. Naturally, sometimes those things can resonate with other families, while other times those things can baffle anyone who hears about them. They can be as simple as a "secret" ingredient in a recipe or as complex as a time-honored family tradition.

Either way, it makes something special or normal to you and your family, while many others would never entertain the thought and find the behavior incredible bizarre.

Keeping that in mind, I'm going to share with you a story that may take your peculiar family experience and make it seem pale in comparison to what this guy's family has been doing.

Reddit user LearnedButt had an unusual experience at a friend's house that left him with a life lesson about how unique his family was for their quirk. Their little family detail? A poop knife. I'm sure you hear the words "poop knife" and a world of ideas float through you mind, but unless you also have such a contraption in your family home then your mind is about to be blown.

LearnedButt writes:

[Light] My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

He continues:

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

This is where his story takes a turn for the ...interesting:

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now.

After an onslaught of questions, he came back to edit his post with this:

[Edit: Common question – Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

As someone who grew up in a home without a poop knife, I was horrified to read this. I also assumed that virtually everyone else would be as well.

I was wrong.

Sympathy and solidarity posts began rolling in.

Like iamnottouchingewe, whose friend's sister laid a huge turd in the toilet.

Some humour injected into the reaction was absolutely necessary.

Butt, I mean but... but, it didn't stop there!

You are not alone.

Then, as you're probably well aware, no good poop thread is complete without a few extra horrifying body waste stories.

A light bulb went off for this devoted manual poop crusher.

A friendly bit of advice for OP (and anyone else who is using devices to slice up their sinkers...)

Whelp, that's about all the poop talk I can handle today. Good luck to anyone out there still struggling with this issue.

Elana