32-Year-Old Man Who Lost A Baby A Decade Ago Competes With His Sister-In-Law Over Whose Grief Is More Valid After Her Boyfriend Passed Away Unexpectedly

He holds annual parties for his late daughter and brings up how great his grief is compared to his SIL's

Chelsi

• Published in Interesting
• May 23, 2023

Invalidating another person's grief when you know firsthand how difficult a loss can be is unseemly. Competing against someone else's pain instead of emphasizing with them will rub people the wrong way.

A 20-year-old Redditor tried her best to support her brother-in-law. He lost his 2-month-old baby when he was 19 years old.

It has been 13 years since the baby's passing. BIL broke up with the mother of his child and eventually married OP's sister.

He and OP had a close relationship for the past six years. She attends the annual party he throws to commemorate the baby he lost.

He and his ex-girlfriend used to meet up for lunch before she moved overseas. It's why OP and her family make it a point to attend the party to support her BIL.

Unfortunately, OP's relationship with her BIL went downhill when she lost her boyfriend. She was just 16 when he died unexpectedly.

OP is going to therapy to deal with her grief. Her BIL treated OP differently after that.

He seems to be competing with her over whose grief is more profound and valid. OP looked up to her BIL and admired how he handled his pain.

That is no longer the case. BIL always finds a way to one-up OP over who cried more and suffered more over the passing of their loved one.

He told OP that he lost a child which is so much worse than her losing her boyfriend

OP is just tired of her BIL devaluing what she went through

He told her that he couldn't eat either when he lost a baby because he lost a part of himself. While OP only lost a person and they weren't as connected.

When OP told her mom and her sister that she will skip the party this year, they called her petty and douchey.

OP replied to a deleted-comment that downplayed her history with her late boyfriend

Someone pointed out that OP shouldn't assume her boyfriend will be brought up at an event for her BIL's late child

Based on past experiences, OP knows her BIL will find a way to insert her late boyfriend and her grief into the conversation

There is definitely no timeline on how long you should grieve a person you loved. These parties could be his way of coping, but they don't seem to be helping him deal with what he lost in a healthy way.

OP said she began to doubt the reason for the events when her BIL imposed a theme on it once

She just never questioned it out loud because she genuinely thought he was throwing the events to find support

From the outside looking in, her BIL's annual event seems to be more for himself than his child

He lost the only person who shared his grief, so he turned to OP's family for support even though they didn't even know him when he lost his child

He probably had genuine intentions in the beginning. He could still think the same now, but he is not seeing that these events are crutches that he's using to avoid moving forward.

They've basically been enabling him. He is stuck in a cycle.

An emotionally intelligent Redditor gave OP some advice on how she can broach the subject to their family

There is a gentle but firm way of handling the situation

It would help OP reinforce her boundary and respect her BIL's process at the same time

He should have been the first to emphatize with what OP is going through

It is not helpful for either of them to be around each other. OP is right to remove herself from a situation that harms her.

Redditors struggled to understand why OP's BIL involved their family when they had no relation to the baby

BIL telling OP that her pain is not as valid as his is heartless

OP shouldn't have to justify why she's mourning the death of her boyfriend. She shouldn't have to prove that her grief is just as valid as her BIL's.

Maybe they can rebuild their relationship one day, but stepping away from the situation is the best thing that OP can do right now. Redditors reassured her that she isn't the a**hole if she stopped attending the annual parties her BIL stages.

Chelsi