14 People Who Had Some Seriously Shocking TMI Moments

Maybe being an open book isn't a good thing...

Elana

• Published in Funny
• January 2, 2020

We all know someone who is inclined to share more than they need to and way more than they should. They're simultaneously the best and worst sorts of people. The best because sometimes the entertainment is just... well, it can be priceless. The worst because there is not much worse than picturing your family members in compromising, suggestive, and sexual situations. Shudder, no thanks. Alas, these moments happen all the time.

Thanks to one brave Redditor, the r/AskReddit subreddit came to life with those TMI moments that thousands of people chimed in on. These are the... best, worst, I'm not really sure? But it is quality entertainment.

1. Never-Ever needed to know this.

My 89 year old grandfather told me his and his wife’s favourite sexual position. Number 1 on the list of things I never ever needed to know.

2. Please do not molest the cows.

Managed a restaurant and a man was there to service the building, HVAC or something. He seems anxious and starts rattling on about his girlfriend and then her brother and how said brother f****d a cow... immediately apologizes, "I don't know why I said that, I probably shouldn't have told you that, sorry."

3. Sharing is not caring.

Me, sits down for my lunch break at work. Random coworker comes and sits down and says to me, "so ive been watching cartoon monster porn".

4. I know, poop is fascinating. But you can take things too far. Case in point:

My coworker went into great detail (including a hand drawn diagram) about how constipated she was after one of her c-sections. She said she was so uncomfortable that she asked her husband to try to dig some of the poo out of her butt with his finger. So she put a towel down on the bed, laid on her side, and he got to work. After some successful digging she rolled over and noticed a butter knife on the bedside table and asked what it was doing there to which he responded “well, it was too hard for my fingers”.

We are nurses, she told this story at the desk to a group of at least 5 people. We were all mortified.

5. Weird flex but ok

I don't know if this qualifies but some drunk girl said I would be a nice 'weekday-only boyfriend' very casually and that felt like a very backhanded compliment to drop on me so suddenly.

6. More poop talk, fantastic.

Ok, Starbucks barista here. I was working the drivethru and some lady comes in asking for an iced coffee with heavy cream. I pay it no mind as it’s not even close to my weirdest order. She gets to the window and starts trying to explain the motifs behind getting this drink. “By the way, I’m not getting this for the caffeine. I’m constipated.” Whatever still hasn’t phased me, I’m used to weird shit like this. She continued, “I tried an enema two days ago and that bullshit didn’t work at all!”

That’s where I had to stop and go to the back to breath, I was not ready for that.

7. And then... I -'ope!

I was working in the photo lab at Walmart. They have a policy about not printing lewd photos, and they have to be destroyed if they are printed. 20 minutes before closing a woman comes and asks to print some photos. I direct her to the kiosk, and after a while they start printing in the back.

I notice that the first few photos are poorly cropped as they come off the machine. They're full-body portraits with half her face cut off. This isn't uncommon, the software isn't super intuitive, so I check the next few to see if it happened on more.

The next few photos are the same framing, just different poses. It looks like she's showing off this nice dress.

And then she's reclining on a couch...

And then she's on a bed...

And then her legs are spread...

Now I have to figure how to tell her I cant sell these prints. I'm all ready with the policy binder out and open to the relevant page when she comes up, and I start explaining:

"I'm sorry ma'am, I can't sell some of these photos to you, they violate our Inappropriate Print Policy so I had to shre-"

"Oh! I'm so sorry I forgot those were in there! It's fine he's not allowed to have those kinds of photos in prison anyway!"

I was so relieved that she wasn't going to yell at me that jt didn't register what she said until after she left

8. Just so you know!

A while ago, my now-wife (then, my fiance) and I were preparing to get married here in Austin.

We spent several Sundays visiting some of the churches in the area that might serve as the ceremony venue to get a feel for them.

We visited one beautiful, fairly large, older church near downtown. At the appropriate time in the service, the minister/priest, an older gentleman - roughly late 60s-ish, started giving an odd sermon about tithing and how the parishioners had been letting the church down and in a way they were stealing from God by not giving enough. It was a bit of a strange one. And it didn't seem well-constructed and thought out; much more on-the-fly than sermons I was used to.

Anyway, after about 10 minutes of this, he wrapped up and asked everyone to bow their heads for prayer then immediately walked off the stage and started walking down the aisle. My wife and I were about 2/3 of the way back and in an empty row - the service was not particularly well-attended. I'm thinking to myself, "Well, that was kind of a weird... What's he doing? He's heading toward us... Oh. God..."

While the congregation was still mid-group prayer, he walked to our row and then slid all the way in until he was right next to me. Everyone was watching him (and now us) as they "Our Fathered" (or whatever it was). We finished the prayer and then sat down for the offering and a song. He then leaned over and whispered, "Good morning." We shook hands and he continued, "I wanted to let you know that I just had a mental breakdown up there a moment ago."

"Oh... Hey... That's alright! I... thought it was... great!" I stammered in reply.

"You're kind, but no. I'm kind of falling apart. I saw you two come in and recognized you were new. I didn't want you to take that sermon as typical of our congregation... I have to get going. It was a pleasure meeting you both," and he got up and walked right out the back door.

We didn't choose that church.

9. GOOGLE ME

Years ago, I lived in Florida. My girlfriend (now wife) and I went to a Chili’s one night to get some drinks with her co-workers. After they left, we went back inside to the bar for one more drink because it was still early and we lived nearby. This older guy walks in and sits down a few stools away from us and immediately starts giving us some lighthearted shit about football, then notices my girlfriend typing something on her phone. Within 60 seconds of meeting us, he decided to drop this:

“Oh, you like looking things up on them phones huh? Google my name.”

We Google his name and the first result is a news article that names him as the victim of an attempted murder-suicide by his wife. She shot him in the head, then shot herself in the head right after. She died, he didn’t. Police came after a call of shots fired, they found him unconscious but alive, medflighted him to a hospital and he woke up later that day.

And that was his icebreaker story!

10. Lovely neighborhood.

Had a super weird chick who lived in our neighborhood once who asked me if I knew the "rules" of polygamy and swinging. I was like, "Uh....no?"

She then proceeded to tell me some long, rambling story about a house party that her husband was invited to, but not her, because they wanted to sleep with her husband but she couldn't come along to participate or watch or whatever.

Her husband was probably 6 ft 4, but weighed around 350 lbs. He was probably the original neckbeard. She was no prize either. I doubt anybody wanted to sleep with either of them.

She also told me she hated sunbathing nude because her nipples always got super sunburned. o.O

Ok then.

11. Gross.

My sociology professor decades ago smoking outside of class with some of the guys as I was walking into the building-

Me: Is the school going to give you crap for smoking with your students?

Him: I could be doing something else with my students, if you're interested.

And he winked. Eeeeeeewwwwww.

12. Um... interesting.

Sitting with my fiancé’s new friend and she starts bragging to me how she’s been manipulating men including my fiancé into doing things for her. (Picking up her paychecks for her, babysitting her son while she goes on a date, cleaning her place for her etc) Then she started showing me these long messages she’d send to guys she had just met on dating sites telling them how my fiancé was her best friend and her standard for guys.

13. I imagine it's an interesting job.

As a passenger in an Uber, I had my driver tell me that day was the anniversary of the day his son was murdered. As we drove past the spot where it happened for, according to him, the first time since it had happened. We then drove past a building where he told me the murderer worked, pretending to be a man of God with, in his words, "four bodies on him". His son was a gangster. My driver was a 56 year old father just lost in his grief that day and when he picked me up, in that neighborhood in Minneapolis Midtown, it just came out. He also told me that every single day he thought about killing the man who killed his son and then just turning himself in. He told me his wife told him once a week that he better not make her a widow.

It wasn't the ride to the airport that I signed up for but that was ok. He needed to talk to someone. As a father, I could feel his pain. His kid was weeks away from leaving the life and joining his brother in the military. He told me he was killed by his second in command right after he said he was joining the service.

My bullshit meter is always very high. He wasn't telling tall tales or workshopping material. I just happened to get in his car when a year's worth of hell came to the surface. After he dropped me off he told me he was going home because he needed to talk to his wife.

14. Mother Confessor!

Waiting to get my windshield replaced a few weeks back, an older gentleman tried to hook me up with his son, then went on to tell me about his wife who had died 8 months ago, and his son’s relationship with his ex-girlfriend (she was pretending to be pregnant). This son is also on the autism spectrum, though not as bad as “The Good Doctor”, has psoriasis, and works at the deli counter of a grocery store, where he was forced to wear long sleeves because people were complaining that his skin was flaking into their meat. All within about a half hour or so.

I have what is called a “Mother Confessor” face...

Edit: I think this is proper etiquette, thank you so much for the award!! My first ever award, I’m so excited!!! Thank you, kind stranger! I love you!

Has anyone ever been TMI with you? Share your stories in the comments.

Elana