Younger Siblings Unfairly Blame And Punish Their Eldest Sister For Starting Her Own Family, Ignoring Her Sacrifices In Raising Them

Their parents abandoned them and the eldest sister dropped out of school to raise her three younger siblings

Chelsi

• Published in Interesting
• June 25, 2023

The tale of the eldest child acting as a second parent to their younger siblings is as old as time. We now know that this dynamic is unhealthy for everyone involved.

A Redditor's wife was parentified by her parents at a young age. She is nine years ahead of her second-oldest sibling.

Their parents were neglectful. OP's wife practically raised herself because even when her parents just had her to care for, they still dropped the ball.

Then, her three younger siblings came into the picture. His wife gave up her childhood and grew up fast to stand as a parental figure for her siblings.

She struggled with the responsibility, but she made sure her siblings had what they needed. She eventually dropped out of high school at 16 years old because she had too many responsibilities at home to keep her grades up.

OP shared that his wife decided to call CPS when she was 18 years old. Her siblings went into foster care, and she finally had the opportunity to get her GED.

She and OP met while she was studying at a community college. She talked to him about her childhood and her struggles in raising her siblings.

She remained in contact with her siblings even when they got separated into different foster homes. His wife's siblings are all adults now, but their relationship with OP's wife is strained.

They got jealous when OP's children were born as they still see their sister as their mother

She limited contact with them when her kids were born and they still hold a grudge from that

They've been trying to mend their relationship for a year now, but they still take every opportunity to make OP's wife feel guilty for pushing them away instead of resolving their issues

They make her feel bad for being a great mother to her kids when she gave up on them.

They don't want her to refer to her oldest son as her firstborn because they believe they are her first set of kids. OP's wife confided in him that she had no clue how to handle her siblings' issues with her.

OP decided to stand up for his wife when her siblings were visiting. They wanted to have professional photos taken of all of them together to show that OP's wife is a mom to all of them.

OP told them to stop because their sister was not their mom. He said they should begin treating her as such and not the mother who owes them their childhood.

Is all of their vitriol reserved for OP's wife or is there any left for their actual parents who abandoned them?

She literally sacrificed her childhood and education to take care of them

If they never met their parents, do they think OP's wife is their actual mom?

OP said they are aware that she is their sister but raising them convinced the siblings that she is their mom

OP replied to a now-deleted comment that his wife shared that while she loves her siblings, going no-contact with them was the easiest her life has been

They really do need therapy because the path they are going on is unhealthy for all of them

Unfortunately, they do not want to go to therapy

OP's wife has given enough to her siblings. Maybe the no-contact deal should be revisited.

OP said his wife's siblings could have had a bad experience with a previous therapist which would explain their reluctance. Still, OP suggested family therapy to his wife and he is waiting for her to be ready.

His wife's siblings can't grasp that their sister was just as abandoned by their parents as they were. She, too, did not have a great childhood and was robbed of parents who should have loved & supported her.

Now she has OP and it looks like he is doing everything he can to show that she can rely on him

It was absolutely unfair of them to make her feel guilty for being a good mom to her own children

What OP said was honest and he did it kindly. Other people wouldn't have spared their feelings.

If OP can't make them understand that their sister is not their mother and they are not open to therapy, then I do not see a way forward where OP and his wife can have them in their lives

What their parents did was crappy and what they went through as a result of it is heartbreaking but is not up to OP's wife to fix it

It's safe to say that they are not done guilting OP's wife after they punished her for what OP said in her defense

OP did an incredible thing for his wife. She said that she never had a support system growing up, and it is obvious that it is no longer the case.

Going no-contact could be the best way forward if his wife's siblings continue to punish her for not being their mom. OP needs to keep reinforcing the boundary he set because they will definitely try to cross it repeatedly.

Chelsi