15 Life Lessons From TV's Ron Swanson, The Former Director of Pawnee, Indiana's Parks and Recreation Department

He's the only mustachioed guy we trust

Chelsi

• Published in Film & TV
• June 6, 2022

It has been 13 years since the kooky government employees of Pawnee, Indiana graced our televisions. Parks and Recreation is a TV series following the lives and adventures of the titular department.

Parks and Recreation is a documentary-style show akin to The Office where we got to meet Leslie Knope, Ann Perkins, Ben Wyatt, April Ludgate, and, of course, Ron Swanson. We all have our favorites from the series but there's no denying that the stoic Mr. Swanson has a special place in our hearts.

We met Ron as the unyielding, whisky-drinking, wood-carving, and uncaring Director of the Parks and Recreation Department. Ron is a man of very few words but each of them gave us a glimpse into the psyche and personality of the mysterious boss.

The difference between him and Leslie Knope couldn't be starker. Leslie is the idealistic public servant while Ron did the bare minimum and didn't believe in the mandate of the government he worked for.

The opposite way they approached their lives and work made for great TV. It was wonderful to see their friendship blossom thanks to Leslie's relentless charm and annoyance.

One of the things that we'll never forget about Mr. Swanson is his infinite practical wisdom. Who can forget him teaching the junior basketball team the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness?

We wanted to share Ron's teachings far and wide

Here is a consolidated list of Ron Swanson's words of wisdom. You may not need these lessons today but there will come a time when Mr. Swanson's wise words could save your life or your wood furniture:

1. There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”

2. “When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”

3. “That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.”

4. “I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”

5. “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.”

6. “The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.”

7. On bowling: “Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”

8. “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”

9. “The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.”

10. “Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.”

11. “The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.”

12. “Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.”

13. “History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”

14. “Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.”

15. “Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.”

One thing you can't learn from Ron is how to be internet savvy. Although if you wanted to go off the grid completely, Mr. Swanson also has a guide for that.

Just remember, don't trust banks, fish is basically a vegetable, and do not half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing. Thank you, Ron and we know you'll never read this.

Chelsi