These Funny Twitter Posts Are So Random, But They'll Breathe A Little Life Back Into You During This Pandemic

Did you know that if you replace chips with a grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of they joy in your already joyless life?

— dizzle_saint_james (@dizzle_st_james) January 10, 2018

KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

— batkaren (@batkaren) December 17, 2015

am i constantly tired? yes.

but am i staying awake when i should be sleeping? also yes.

— logan (@lpweeks1207) February 19, 2018

Today I had 800 mg of caffeine, exercised for 2 hours, ate literally 80 pizza rolls, and did a facemask. The line between self care and self destruction is a fine one but god do I walk it hard brother

— Alec (@aIecrl) February 7, 2019

Me:

Facebook: hey remember when you were a full blown alcoholic spiraling out of control?

Me: you don’t have to do this

Facebook: here’s a memory from 2013

— Kara Morehart (@KaraMorehart) November 17, 2018

I dream of a day when paper-towel manufacturers just say how many rolls are in the package, and not how many hypothetical rolls would be in the package if they were some other hypothetical size.

— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) March 31, 2019

Honestly the craziest thing about doomsday preppers is their desire to live

— Kara Morehart (@KaraMorehart) March 23, 2019

One of the things that make me happiest in life is good shower pressure.

— Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) March 27, 2019

types of vacations I need
- a week to deep clean everything I own, twice
- a week to just sleep, then sleep some more
- a week where I don't speak to anyone
- a week where I can cook constantly and never have to clean up
- 2-3 days where I don't have to make any decisions

— folu (@notfolu) February 5, 2018

Me: Do I look skinny? Cop: Taking my mugshot, please stop asking!

— Mermaid In A Wineglass (@mermaidsluvwine) April 1, 2019