20+ Parents Share Lessons That Parenthood Has Taught Them

"You have to parent the kid you have, not the one you want."

Damjan

• Published in Interesting
• August 23, 2022

Ask any parent if they did their best, and they will tell you - yes. Ask them if they would do it differently the second time around, and the answer would be again - yes.

The truth is that, even though there are tons of books about raising a child, none of them was written for your child specifically. And none of them was written by a person who knows your child.

So, we parents are pretty much on our own, right? it is a trial-and-error procedure that lasts a whole lifetime.

And we are all doing the best we can, hoping that our kids will understand our actions when they grow up.

Being a parent is one of the most absurdly difficult things we can do, and while choosing to become one is a personal decision, doing so can leave one physically and mentally exhausted. One Reddit user asked the women of the community "What is the one most difficult lesson a parent has to learn about raising children?"

And the answers that came in shed some light on this difficult but rewarding task. We have selected some of the most interesting answers, and we have to say that we agree with all of them.

Take a look:

1. They deserve respect

That they are individuals and deserve respect. Also, you have to earn their respect. It shouldn’t be freely given just because you gave birth to them or provide them with basic necessities like housing, clothing, or food.

downbutmaybeup31

2. Pick your battles

"Picking your battles. Does it really matter if your kid wears mismatched socks?

Is it really a big deal if they wear a princess dress to go grocery shopping? Those are minor things that absolutely do not make a difference in the long run.

Let it go and life is easier for you both."

3. You are raising adults

That you aren't raising kids. They already are kids.

You are raising adults, hopefully, competent adults. Competent adults who know how to be an adult.

4. Kids are tiny humans

Kids are tiny humans. It's easy to slip into seeing them as little machines into which you're supposed to input life lessons and get out good behavior.

But even as kids, they are whole humans--they have bad days where they're grumpy and will be short with you, and there are foods they will never like no matter how many times you put it on their plate, and they'll pick the sports or hobbies they're into regardless of what you were into.

If they're having a bad day, don't explain to them why they shouldn't be having a bad day; don't invalidate how they feel about things; treat them with the kindness and understanding and encouragement you give to your friends.

I'm not saying "be your kid's best friend"--you need to be their parent and help them build the life skills and emotional intelligence necessary for a happy life, but do it in a way that treats them like whole, individual humans they are.

5. Kids are individuals

My mom said, “That they are not a miniature version of yourself. As individuals, they will need to do some things their own way, even if it’s not YOUR way.”

My mom has always allowed my siblings and me to be authentically ourselves. She’s amazing.

Civil-Conclusion-726

6. You are a guide

You’re there to guide, not control. Even when they are doing it wrong.

7. So much stress

Their kids might not have anything in common with them or turn out differently than expected. I see a lot of parents who are surprised when they struggle to connect with their child or something hard pops up.

So many small things can be huge stressors to kids and become gigantic, time-consuming concerns for parents.

8. There are many stages

At some point, around age 12 or 13, it will seem like they genuinely hate you and they will be incredibly unpleasant to deal with.

It passes, but it is rough when you are in the middle of it. You have to weather it with patience and grace (and consequences when warranted) because it is only a stage.

9. Always on the job

I am not less of a mother on bad days.

10. Deal with your baggage

If you still have baggage or trauma that’s not dealt with, you and your kids will suffer for it.

11. Your kids are not your copies

They are not you - now say it again 10 times. They may or may not like the things you do or did at their age.

No amount of yelling, begging, forcing, or cajoling will make them just like you. They absolutely will not have the same life experience and they have a completely different perspective than you.

Even if they're your "mini-me" they are absolutely their own person. You can even go as far as to say that if they're truly a carbon copy of either parent, you've probably done something wrong as a parent.

12. Prepare them

That the best thing to do is to prepare the child for the path and not the path for the child.

Dianachick

13. Do the best with what you got

"You have to parent the kid you have, not the one you want."

14. Things can go wrong

Even your best, most thoughtful intentions can go wrong.

15. Parents need to do their part

Parents need to do their part when their child is struggling in school. We can only do so much in 8 hours.

If parents want results faster then they need to commit.

16. They are constantly learning from us

Every single thing you do teaches them something. Signed, my kid’s first word was ‘s**t’

17. Consistency

Consistency

18. Our world is not a nice place

The world is dangerous and unfortunately, we cannot follow their every step. They grow up, they leave the house and bad things do happen

19. Let them make mistakes

They (the kids) need to make mistakes.

20. Inevitable things:

You get to choose how to love your kids, how to teach your kids, and how you’re going to f**k up with your kids. Choose wisely as all are inevitable.

21. Top lessons:

More than the single hardest lesson, but these are the top for me:

* You're going to constantly second guess decisions, and feel guilty for things on a regular basis.

* Support, encouragement and trust are as important as love

* Letting them fail is epically hard; showing them how to come back from failure is vital

* If you split with your partner, remember that your kid(s) still need and want them in their life (barring abuse, etc.)

* You're raising them to be adults- teach them how to manage their own lives, and don't try to live their life for them

* When you like them the least is when they need love the most

* Communicate with them the way you want to be communicated with- kids are people, and they model your behaviors

22. Failing constantly

You’re gonna feel like you’re failing constantly...you’re not, not in the slightest, but you’ll feel like it

23. You have to let go

The hardest pill for me to swallow so far is that they are going to grow up. My kids are 8 and 12 now and I am already SO sad about them growing up and moving out etc.

I do focus on the time we've got now, but when those thoughts pop into my head I get SUPER sad. We haven't reached the teen years yet though so check back in the next few years.

The WORST part of parenting: figuring out what the f**k to make for dinner EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I hate it so much. But if I don't feed them, they'll die, so that's lame.

24. Rules

Your purpose is not to pass down your own rules about life, but to put life itself in context for them.

(I'm not a parent tho, but I was surprised when someone said that that's how they parent their child and I thought it made sense)

25. Disagreements are bound to happen

They will have a difference of opinion and disagree with you.

26. You are not their friend

You are not their friend (you are their parent), you will mess up but love and kisses are very important at every age

27. Let them fall and fail

Teach them independence. Let them fall and scrap their knees. Let them fail.

You are preparing for the real world. There will be mean people so you need to know that it’s important to be confident.

28. It is not easy being a kid

Your kid isn’t giving you a hard time. THEY are having a hard time.

stone_fox_in_mud added:

Absolutely. And so much so for any child with a disability.

[deleted] added:

I wish more people would understand this when their children are having a tantrum. So maybe people write it off as bad behavior. Where in reality it is your child having an overwhelming amount of emotions and feelings and no clue as to how to deal with them.

A parent would do their child's emotional development a huge favor by trying to understand this.

The book "The Science of Parenting" explains this from a neurological and attachment psychological point of view - with many great sources.

29. Kids tell lies

Kids tell lies. They do. It’s part of their emotional and intellectual development.

Don’t make it a big deal. Respond appropriately to the untruthful ness.

Discuss it. Don’t take it personally.

30. Emotions are okay

Don't punish them for having feelings and then expecting them to manage those feelings *perfectly* when you can't even curb your anger and disappointment at your kid having a hard time. Sorry, they can't get their tantrum together in 5 seconds.

Maybe figure out why they are emotional and help them fix it.

It goes without saying that every parent wants the best for their children, but because babies don't come with instruction manuals, you'll just have to wing it. It so happens that the majority of people frequently put a great deal of strain on themselves, whether they are still pregnant or have already welcomed their lovely baby.

It makes sense that we all want to carry out our duties properly, but occasionally, a single bit of advice can completely alter how you view being a parent. Did you find the Redditors' advice useful?

Damjan