Father Defends Ex-Wife Against Children's Insults, Leading To Strained Relationship With Both

"The oldest was really bad calling her mother “abandoning” them."

Damjan

• Published in Interesting
• February 25, 2024

Divorce marks not just the end of a marriage but the beginning of a new chapter for everyone involved, especially when children are in the picture. The transition from a single, united family to a divided one requires adjustments and compromises that can test the limits of everyone's adaptability and patience.

This story is about a family navigating this turbulent situation, striving to find a balance between independence and connection post-divorce. After a year of adapting to their new lives post-divorce, a father recounts the latest challenge in their co-parenting journey.

He and his ex-wife, despite their differing life aspirations—his desire for stability versus her yearning for freedom—had maintained a good relationship for the sake of their children, ages 15, 13, and 10. Recognizing the importance of fostering independence and addressing attachment issues in their kids, they decided to shift from a 70/30 to a 50/50 custody arrangement.

However, this decision was met with unexpected resistance and emotional turmoil from their children, particularly the oldest, who accused his mother of abandonment and expressed his frustration in harsh words. The situation escalated quickly, leading to heated arguments and hurtful accusations, revealing underlying issues of co-dependency and the difficult balance between fostering independence in children and ensuring they feel secure and loved.

OP, the father, caught in the middle, faced criticism from his son for siding with his ex-wife, further complicating their relationship. Financial constraints added another layer of difficulty to the family's situation, limiting their access to professional therapy despite recognizing its necessity for their eldest's unhealthy co-dependency, evidenced by his extreme measure of installing a tracker on his mother's phone.

OP and his wife divorced due to differing life priorities, yet their kids leaned toward her for support.

The custody arrangement has changed from 70/30 in favor of the OP's ex to 50/50.

The kids were upset, the oldest accused her of abandoning them and neglecting parenting and OP sided with the ex, but the child called him an asshole and stopped talking.

The kids used to attend therapy, but they had to stop due to insurance issues and costs, but the oldest still sees the school counselor.

Despite seeking assistance programs, none were found, and his codependency issues led him to install a tracker on her phone, which is unhealthy.

Her desire for "freedom" might suggest she wanted to be free from parental responsibilities too.

They must engage fully in shared parenting duties.

They're likely feeling confused, upset, angry, and sad.

They should rethink therapy for their eldest, as his behavior towards their mom is unacceptable.

Teens often find reasons to be upset, whether it's about custody changes or trivial matters like food choices.

Unfortunately, they perceive it as rejection from their mom.

While OP is not wrong for stopping his child from badmouthing his mom, it might indicate deeper fears and trauma that OP may not be able to address alone

Dealing with family issues after a divorce is tough. They need to work together as parents, even if it's hard, to make sure their kids are okay.

For the oldest kid, is important to get help to understand his feelings better. Sometimes, teenagers get mad about small things, even if it's really about bigger stuff.

OP is doing the right thing by stopping his son from saying mean things about his mom, but they might need extra help from a professional to sort everything out.

OP and his wife need to focus on helping their kids and working together as a team. It won't be easy, but with support and understanding, they can make things better for everyone in the family.

Damjan