25-Year-Old Realizes That Her Nearly Separated Parents Have Been Unfairly Using Her As A Mediator/Marriage Counsellor

Her dad asked her to help him win his wife back which she immediately shut down

Chelsi

• Published in Interesting
• June 24, 2023

It's easy to fall into the trap of becoming an armchair psychologist when you spend a lot of time on Reddit's Am I The A**hole sub. Toxic traits will jump at you when reading post after post of people seemingly stuck in unhealthy relationship dynamics.

A daughter of nearly divorced parents recently posted in the subreddit about her dad's attempt to win her mom over. OP's mom had an affair for a while before her father found out.

OP didn't judge her mom too harshly for having an affair since she believes her dad is a terrible husband. OP was actually happy that her mom found someone else.

Her dad wasn't too blasé about the affair, especially after OP's mom asked for a separation. He changed, begged her to stay, began taking medication for his depression, and committed to couples counseling which OP's mom agreed to do.

OP was visiting her parents one day when her dad asked for her help. The two of them were in the backyard while the mom was in the house when he asked for OP's help to win his wife back.

OP immediately said no. She said she wanted what was best for her mom, and she was sure her dad didn't belong in that category.

Her dad said it was unfair to call him a bad person without acknowledging how his severe depression affected him

He expressed his disappointment in OP and said she would have reacted differently if he was the parent who had an affair

OP knows how hard her dad has been trying to win her mom back, so she agreed to a compromise. She told her dad that she won't help him, but she will not interfere with his plans and promised to stop discussing him with her mom.

He accused her of siding with her mom because she's the parent with the financial upper hand who bought OP's affection with vacations and presents

OP lost it because she genuinely considers her mom to be one of her closest friends as well. She and her dad don't have the same dynamic because he is not a pleasant person to be around.

OP raised her voice and cursed her dad for questioning her intent and character

She listed a bunch of things why she didn't like him and made it clear it wasn't because of money. Her dad tried to calm OP because her mom could easily overhear her yells from the house.

OP told her mom what her dad accused her of while he was screaming at her for screwing his chances of ever repairing his marriage. OP and her mom left home.

Her dad later told her that her outburst cost him his marriage. Was the chain of events OP's fault, as her dad says?

OP added that her parents have been venting their frustrations about the other to her and acknowledged that both of them were wrong to do so

OP said he dad has been pulling the strings for the longest time and the recent outburst wasn't anything new for him

Redditors asked OP to give more context about her parents relationship when they were trying to mend their marriage

OP said that while her dad never cheated on her mom, he hasn't been the best husband during their 24-year marriage

The promise to change is meaningless and often a ploy to win someone back, said a commenter

Could the whole marriage be crumbling for other reasons?

OP explained why her dad no longer has a job

None of the three people in this post are handling this issue healthily

Her post does support that OP doesn't want her parents to get back together

A Redditor sided with OP's dad and said that her post supports his accusation that OP prefers her mom because she has the money and presents to win them over

OP clarified that her father was a great dad to them growing up, however, he is also an awful person to be around, especially after OP and her siblings grew older

Neither of her parents will be anointed as saints anytime soon, but to OP, her mom is the better person

They said OP's dad dodged a bullet because OP clearly doesn't have a very high opinion of her father

OP acknowledged how overblown her reaction was, but based on some of the anecdotes she shared, it was the last straw for her

OP is better off staying out of her parents' marriage and their issues

She will have a better relationship with both of them if she sets a clear boundary that she refuses to be their mediator/marriage counselor

OP did add a later edit that both of her parents have been venting their frustrations about each other to her long before the separation

They said OP can't share an accurate representation of her parents' marriage because she is obviously biased against her dad based on what her mom have told her about him

OP replied that her opinion of her dad has nothing to do with her mom's stories. She witnessed his cruelty over the years and her siblings share the same opinion.

She always made excuses for him growing up because he was an incredible father to them growing up, but their relationship changed when OP and her siblings became adults

Just on the most recent situation at hand, OP was at the end of her rope, but she needs to take a step away from her parents marriage because it is not healthy for her

It's easy to fall back into old unhealthy habits when you are around your parents for some reason. OP needs to start learning and enforcing healthier habits if she wants her parents in her life long-term.

If she continues down this path and allows them to use her as a mediator, she will eventually get hurt or resent them, which could damage her relationship with them. Her dad was wrong to put her in the middle of their issues, and she needs some time & distance to reflect on what she should do next.

Chelsi