Birth Mother Reconnects With Son, But Feels Uneasy Being Called 'Mom'

"It feels disrespectful to his mom."

Damjan

• Published in Interesting
• August 20, 2024

Adoption is a multifaceted and emotional journey for everyone involved. It provides children with an opportunity to grow up in a supportive family but also introduces a range of relationships that can be difficult to manage.

Birth parents often choose to place their children for adoption with a heavy heart, hoping for a better future for them. Meanwhile, adopted children may experience a complex mix of emotions and questions as they seek information about their biological parents.

When OP (a 40-year-old woman) was a teenager, she had a baby and gave him up for adoption through an agency. The adoption contract required the adoptive parents to provide her contact information to her son once he became an adult.

Eighteen years later, OP received a letter from her son expressing his desire to meet her. She agreed, and his adoptive mother accompanied him for the visit.

They had a great time, and OP was happy to see the young man he had become. They kept in touch, and OP introduced him to her other children.

However, OP felt uncomfortable when her son started calling her "Mom," as she believed it was disrespectful to his adoptive mother. She gently explained her feelings to him, but since then, he hasn’t reached out, and OP feels guilty, suspecting he might be upset.

OP clarified that she gave him up at birth, and his adoptive mother has always been his only Mom. The decision to give him up was tough, and she chose his adoptive parents carefully, knowing they could provide a better life for him.

OP assured her son it was okay to call her by her first name, and after a recent conversation, he admitted he also felt uncomfortable calling her "Mom" and wasn’t avoiding her; he was just busy with school.

When OP was a teenager, she gave her baby up for adoption with the condition that the adoptive parents would provide her contact information to him once he reached adulthood.

Eighteen years later, he reached out, and after meeting, they connected well; he has since become part of OP's life and formed a bond with her kids.

He started calling OP "Mom," which seems disrespectful to his mother. Even though OP explained this to him, he stopped calling her.

They haven’t talked for a while, and OP suspects his silence is because he’s upset, which makes her feel guilty.

OP gave him up at birth, and his adoptive mother is his only mom; giving him up was the hardest thing OP's ever done.

OP discussed her discomfort with him, and he understood her perspective.

He has no feelings of abandonment or rejection, as his parents were great.

He didn’t want to call OP "Mom" just for the sake of it; he felt OP deserved a title that reflected more respect.

They discussed their discomfort with calling OP "Mom," with the latter admitting he was unsure about its appropriateness and felt as uncomfortable as OP did.

He was busy with moving and preparing for the new semester.

It's harrowing for adopted children to be told they can't call their biological mom "mom" after already dealing with abandonment issues.

It’s okay to work on building a healthy relationship with her child, which might include finding a new way to address each other.

OP is not his mom; she gave birth to him, but that’s not the same thing.

That’s a significant decision that needs both of their input.

He may feel that way, but he should respect that OP is not his mother.

He’s interested in having a relationship with OP and sees her as a mother figure, which doesn’t diminish his respect for his adoptive mom.

Respecting his relationship with his mother, OP is doing the right thing.

OP's actions were reasonable, and the reaction was expected due to his age and lack of understanding.

If OP doesn’t want a parental role in the relationship, it’s essential to be clear about that, and if he decides to end things, OP will need to accept it.

Despite the valid points, OP is still his mom, and she can't avoid that responsibility.

OP is prioritizing the adoptive mother’s feelings over the biological child's, which may have made him feel rejected again.

Handling relationships in adoption can be challenging. For OP, who placed her son for adoption, hearing him call her "Mom" was difficult, as it seemed to undermine his adoptive mother’s role. Although OP wished to honor the adoptive mother’s position, her son also viewed OP as a maternal figure.

OP and her son must communicate openly to find a connection that respects their needs. While OP’s feelings are understandable, acknowledging and addressing her son’s emotional needs is crucial. Balancing these relationships is difficult, but understanding and communication are vital for finding a middle ground.

Damjan