Family Issues A Ban On Birthdays After The Death Of A Loved One But Finds Resistance With Their Son-In-Law Who Insisted On Celebrating His Daughter's First Birthday

"If I found out my memory was being used an excuse to deprive my family (and literal babies) of joy and celebrations and birthdays I would haunt the fuck out of everyone."

Chelsi

• Published in Interesting
• April 15, 2023

Losing a loved one changes people in ways both seen and unseen. No string of words is powerful enough to describe that kind of loss.

People deal with a loss like this differently from one another. For a Redditor's family, it meant a permanent ban on birthday parties.

OP's 17-year-old brother passed away on the day of his birthday. Their parents decided that no one in their family was to celebrate a birthday ever again.

Their extended family supported this decision and followed suit. A new member of the family had a problem complying with this rule.

OP's husband found it absurd and continued celebrating his birthdays. Her mom and dad didn't say anything because he is not related to them biologically.

The birthday embargo was brought up once again when OP got pregnant. OP's family advised her not to host parties for her daughter since she is too young to remember them.

OP immediately agreed, but her husband was another matter. He got mad and insisted on celebrating their daughter's first birthday.

OP eventually caved and agreed to a small & secret celebration. The day after the party, OP got a call from her mom, who was obviously upset.

She told OP that her word meant nothing and accused her of disrespecting her brother's memory. OP was confused and asked her mom what she was talking about.

Her mom confessed to seeing her granddaughter's birthday pictures posted by OP's husband

OP was shocked, dropped the call, and immediately went to confront her husband

He told OP that he did not need her permission to post photos of his daughter's party

His intent was to share the pictures with his family who couldn't join the party since OP wanted to keep the event small. OP told him that posting the pictures made her look like a liar to her own family, but he said they have to get over it.

They had a fight and her husband told OP that she tainted the memory of their daughter's first birthday party. Her husband wants an apology but OP doesn't know if she's to blame for how things fell apart.

If it wasn't imposed on anyone else then this would have been a more understandable decision

"It is sad that someone died but the living should not have to pay a price for it every year."

OP doesn't entirely agree with the ban but she was too afraid to rock the boat

OP's anger is totally misdirected. Her husband has done nothing wrong but OP is much more fearful of what her family thinks about her.

OP's family doesn't realize that this tradition could ruin the memory of their loved one to the younger generation affected by it

Not to be presumptuous but I highly doubt this is the kind of legacy OP's brother wanted

Dealing with your grief is your own journey but it must be re-evaluated when it impacts other people negatively

OP needs a shiney, new spine

Why is OP more concerned about protecting the feelings of adults instead of making sure her baby reaches milestones other children experience?

OP has to manage her issues now before they cause a lasting impact on her child

It's not too late to get the proper help, OP. There is no shame in that.

How will OP explain all the missed birthdays when her daughter gets the ability to talk and understand things?

Her husband's anger and disappointment at OP's lack of empathy should be enough to clue her in that something is wrong with this twisted family tradition

By not dealing with their grief in a healthy way, OP and her family are punishing everyone who even dare join their brood

Did OP learn anything from the thousands of comments left on her post? Will it help her realize just how awful this tradition has been to everyone affected by it?

OP was overwhelmingly voted the a**hole by the people in the comments section. Let's hope that by this time next year, she will provide an update about her daughter's first real birthday party.

Chelsi