Man Asks If He Is Wrong For Not Adopting A Kid That His Wife Had During An Affair

Is he wrong for not wanting to adopt a kid that his wife conceived during an affair? Is the wife wrong for even asking him to do that?

Daphnie

• Published in Interesting
• November 10, 2021

When it comes to relationships, it's no secret that they can be quite tricky and things come up that are unexpected all the time. It's hard to judge a situation without knowing every detail and backstory.

Let's dive into a story where an unfaithful wife asks her husband to adopt a child that wasn't conceived with him. This man wants to know if he is in the wrong for not wanting to adopt a child that his wife conceived during an affair.

The solution to this may not be as black and white as some might think and there are a lot of opinions that you can have about this scenario. Some may believe that the wife is wrong for even asking the husband to do this since she was the unfaithful one.

However, some may also believe that the husband is wrong for denying to adopt the child. Of course, everything is a little bit more complex than it sounds written down.

We are going to let the husband explain his side on why he refuses to adopt a child that his wife conceived during an affair. Let's hop right into this with an open mind and no judgement.

Is he wrong for not wanting to adopt a child that his wife conceived during an affair?

Here's the backstory...

I used to have a wonderful relationship with the woman I love. However, five years ago, she got drunk, had a one night stand, and got pregnant from it. Can't be mine, I can't have kids due to a horseback riding injury when I was a teen. Didn't get the guys name, no way to find him, so he's out of the picture. My wife decided to keep it, and we almost went through a divorce, but couples therapy made us try again. We're still in therapy now, since I still have a hard time trusting her.

I mean "fun uncle" sounds like a pretty good compromise..

So, she had her son. We talked a lot about it, and I made it clear that I'm OK taking on a step-parent role, but I wasn't willing to fully be his dad. I wouldn't adopt him, but I would help raise him and get him off to college. My wife agreed to this, became a stay at home mom so she could take care of him with help from her parents, and I've pretty much been the fun uncle like guy. I play with him, buy him games, try my best not to resent him (and I am in therapy for this), and mostly just stay out of the way of my wife's parenting. He even calls me "uncle" instead of "dad."He knows I'm not his father, and is just happy to play video games with him and chill.

Child support?....

Well, recently, my wife had started talking about me adopting him, something I'm not willing to do. I made it clear that if anything happened, he would go live with her parents, and I'd send child support. If they couldn't take him, I wouldn't put him in foster care or anything, but I also wasn't willing to take on the responsibility of being his father when I'm not. I'm happy being an uncle to another man's kid, since that's what life threw at me.

Well that took a turn... manipulation?... Uh oh...

This has greatly upset her, and she's trying to find a way to force me into adopting him. She's even been manipulating the poor kid, saying he should start calling me dad instead of uncle like he has his entire life, which is upsetting and confusing the poor boy. This situation has worked for the last 5 years, and I don't know why she's trying to change something that isn't broken, or force me into a role I told her years ago I wasn't willing to accept, which she was fine with until just recently."

Divorce?!

Update- after reading everything, i told my wife I was leaving and pursuing that divorce. I think I've been ready to do so for a while, but just needed the push. This has led to a complete meltdown, but I stayed firm, packed everything up, and moved in with my brother across town. I have already contacted the landlord to tell him I would pay for 2 more months rent. After that, everything needs to be switched to her.

Oh he's out OUT

Talking to my lawyer, it was verified that, due to the process I went through after the birth to establish I wasn't the father, I would not have to pay child support or alimony, which is something very rare and uncommon anyway where I live. He's already working on the paperwork. No idea when it'll happen, but once it does I'll cut full contact.

My wife has tried to call and text multiple times, but I've refused to talk. I'll post another update when I know more.

Reddit's Verdict :

A tally of the verdict is that this whole situation sucks and they both suck... let's look into some replies.

I meannn.... are they wrong?

IWatchBadTV says,

This is a mess. You should not adopt a child you don’t want. He should have a parent or parents who are enthusiastic. But you also are putting them in an bad position by planning to be present while demonstrating what I can only call a wedge between you and your wife where the child witnesses it. But this is her fault as well. She entered an agreement that she might have assumed would be temporary. But she shouldn’t have. And no child should be foisted upon someone reluctant to commit to parenting them.

Sloth-moves says,

Not sure how old the kid is, but at some point, he’s likely going to pick up on the funky situation y’all have going on and that would likely lead to some emotional trauma.

Plus, it’s super shitty that she’s manipulating the child against you. That’s some serious emotional blackmail.

Now this one...

What Do You Think?

After reading all of the responses and getting a deeper look into the story, I think we can all agree that it's way more complex than we could ever imagine.

I don't necessarily think there is a right or wrong "answer" to this situation, because it's a sticky one. The responses above give an insight into different perspectives of the situation.

So what do you think... is he wrong for not adopting a child that was conceived during an affair? What about now that you know how the wife reacted?

Daphnie